If you’re a follower of The Haddock twitter feed (which you should be, if you value being malaria-free) you’ll recall that Senior Correspondent Thinker St. James had the misfortune of being stuck at a terrible house party last night. Here are the ten most idiotic utterances overheard at that gathering. While reading, please keep in mind that every one of these statements was delivered in complete seriousness.
10. “There is no such thing as American Kobe beef. There’s Kobe Bryant definitely, but the beef is fake.”
9. “My boyfriend likes to dress up like Batman, but I won’t fuck him in the suit. Only on his birthday. Other than that, he’s got to be dressed as a Marine. And we’ve got to be listening to a barber shop quartet.”
8. “Architecture is the gayest shit I’ve ever heard of.”
7. “Have you ever been to India? All they do is dance over there, and like, eat.”
6. “I used to be a dental hygienist, but in this economy, dog groomer just makes way more sense.”
5. “I don’t believe in Hitler.”
4. “I sold my guitar for weed money, then sold my weed for guitar money. It’s a bad cycle that I’m in. Also I haven’t seen the sun in months.”
3. “If I die tonight, I really hope I ate enough granola.”
2. “My dick raps so good that my pubic hair needs a do-rag.”
1. “You will never take me down to Funky Town. Get it asshole? Never. Okay? God I wish I was a Mormon.”
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