In a highly controversial and hotly debated ruling, the United States has decreed that homosexual couples may now legally and lawfully take ownership of swimming pools.
In a 7-3 split decision, the Supreme Court justices struck down Article 3 of the act known as the Defense of Maritime Aquastructures (or DOMA). It was this article that stated in no uncertain terms that gay couples of any marital status were not entitled to swimming pools, be they above ground, indoor, or below ground solid-build concrete with a lovely screened in patio area and cascading hot tub addition.
Now before I continue, some of you probably might have just thought “7-3 decision? But there are only 6 justices on the Supreme Court!” Of course you’d be right, but did you know that in very important cases, they call up several justices from the minor leagues to help make the right call? They are known as “pinch adjudicators.” It was these additional justices that led to the 13-9 ruling in the case of Brown vs. Board of Education (often referred to as the most impressive World Series of Supreme Court Rulings in history).
“It’s truly a landmark achievement,” gushes Alex Pridemarch, founder of the Injecting Gayness Into Every Facet of Our Lives Coalition (or IGIEFOLC). “Finally, we’ve gotten what we’ve always wanted: the right to be recognized as equals in the fundamental human right to pool ownership.”
On the other side of the argument, emotions are searing with steamy passion-hate. Agnes Schmerme, a matronly lady holding a sign that reads “Blame it on the Greeks” had this to say about the ruling: “This is how it all starts. Now two gay men can share a pool together. Soon, men will be marrying other men just so they can share a really sweet pool. Women will marry other women and men, so they can have double the pools. Then you bring animals into it, and they can all have pools, and transgendered people can somehow marry themselves and get seven pools! Soon enough everyone has a pool, and everyone is having filthy gay sex in pools! Because that’s all that gayness is; filthy sex in swimming pools! God damn this country!”
To end this article, I’ve asked pinch adjudicator Cecil Archuletta to bless us all with the Supreme Court’s final decree regarding DOMA’s demise: