Tattoo Heavy

A man in Dartmouth is recovering in hospital today after his tattoo nearly killed him. Brian Clobb, described as a man who sometimes throws milk floats, was in the process of having Britain’s largest and most detailed tattoo applied to his back. He’d been in the studio for more than a week, sleeping between sessions. The design, which used more ink than the average person has blood,  was some sort of dragon/dagger affair with naked girls and a raven doing something around his groin. Once it was finished, Mr Clobb got up out of his chair, and that’s when the problems started.

“I felt like I was being pulled downwards!” Said Brian. “It was wierd, I looked at my chest and saw my nipples sliding downwards over my belly, and my head was stinging like mad!” The tattoo was so heavy that it had begun to pull his skin off.

Plastic surgeons  in the nearby hospital were able to save him by hollowing out the corpse of a dead pensioner and sewing th skin onto his head. The tattoo then pulled it down, covering his body in new skin like a condom on a sausage,  while the tattooed excess was trimmed away from his feet. Mr Clobb had this to say about his new skin.

“It’s brilliant,” he said. “Shame they couldn’t find another white guy, but either way I’m eternally grateful to the old man and his family for sheathing me in their grandad’s skin!” 

When asked what would happen to the tatooed skin Mr Clobb suggested that considering what it had cost him, he would make it into a jacket and a set of driving gloves for his nan.