The government has promised swift action in a bid to curb the growing numbers of young thugs who are increasingly turning to morris dancing in a bid to terrorise rural communities. Over the past few months the number of problem teens sporting white-harlequin slacks and smocks and bum fluff mutton chops has skyrocketed to the extent that many residents are afraid to leave their homes for fear of literally melting with embarrassment on behalf of anybody who would choose to prance and skip around in a circle to the accompaniment of tinny, badly played folk music.
Breckland Collimont, a married 47 year old father of three who moved to the Buckinghamshire village of Tweevommit-on-the-Wold three years ago told The Haddock; “Its just a ruddy disgrace. This used to be the type of place where I could pop out for a warm beer at my local, listen to the cricket match whilst pottering around in my garden and indulge in anguished masturbatory fantasies over the seventeen year old waitress working in the local tea shop. Now you’ve got these kids hanging out under the oak tree on the green playing their harpsichords and prancing around flicking their coloured handkerchiefs in the air and jiggling those little bells on the legs of their trousers.