Teenagers Suspend Their Way to Skinnier Legs

A surprising trend has surfaced amongst teenagers in major metropolitan cities worldwide: the allowance of severe deterioration to the legs in order to fit into skinnier clothing. In some extreme cases, elaborate suspension rigs and dark rooms are being employed in the desire to reduce muscle mass in the thighs and buttocks. Many of these teens are sustaining themselves on a diet of vitamin enriched milk and alfalfa sprouts, a process developed for veal production but outlawed in most of Europe in the 1960’s.

It has been especially difficult to obtain comments from the seemingly disaffected practitioners of this latest fashion. Most would just ignore this reporter when questioned and the few who did respond used phrases like “what’s this geezer on about?“ and “fuck off, pedi” before limping away. Quite a few of them seemed so malnourished that they didn’t even seem to register that someone was talking to them (opting instead to continue a hollow stare into their chai lattes).


College students, unable to afford elaborate
suspension rigs, resort to Batman-ing

Photo evidence online indicates that the first appearance of these “vealots” may have been in Japan sometime around 3 years ago. The images suggest that the process was conducted using homemade apparatuses that allowed for feedings, bodily functions, and full 3G Wi-Fi for extended periods of time. Nowadays, state-of-the-art “milk-fed” harnesses can be purchased online from specialty craftsmen all over the world. Matthew “Oberon43” Buttle of Roanoke, Virginia has seen a huge increase in business since first designing his first harness for a youth group in Westchester, Massachusetts. Videos of the group hanging from their constructs and texting each other went viral for 3 hours last October and the orders came rushing in.

“I used to just make sex swings and restraining devices for swinger parties and the quiet people at the office, but now with this trend, I’m busier than ever,” claimed Buttle as he walked us through his workshop. He points to a full body harness suspended from the ceiling. “this is the model I based the design on. The DPMach5.” The model includes adjustable straps, detachable phallus and ball gag, a quick release mechanism, video equipment, Bluetooth readiness, and a spatula (because, as Buttle put it, “sometimes you need that shit”).

There is currently an 8-month waiting list to get a milk-fed harness from Buttle. He also tells us he is in talks with Rockstar Disposable Catheters© on a newer model he is calling the MFMach6. Meanwhile concerned groups of parents, teachers, physicians, and fast food chains are starting to raise awareness, urging government officials to create laws banning the use of such devices. The harnesses are very expensive however, so most vealots resort to old fashioned aloofness.

Noroom F. Thumbo

Noroom F. Thumbo

Daniel Boone was a man, yes a big man. But the bear was bigger so he ran like a turkey up a tree. - Author's Full Bio

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