How do you deter terrorists and stop them doing their bad bad things? This is a question which has plagued governments throughout the ‘war on terror’.
Waterboarding? Thumb screws? Endless repeats of Friends?
No matter how draconian the measures used, terrorism continues because their jailers have not yet invented something sufficiently scary enough to work as effective deterant.
But then, if you think about it … 72 virgins? Most red-blooded men could stand a little bit of fingernail pulling for a prize like that.
So that’s it, we’re sunk… there is no solution…until now!
Once again the wisdom of children may come to the aid of the bumbling adult world.
A senior CIA operative who was working undercover as a janitor in a Philadelphia junior school reported back to his superiors that threats made by children towards one another were so terrible that they made his blood run cold.
What, you may ask, was the worst of these?
One conversation the agent overheard read as follows:
Fat Kid: But I need my lunch money
Bully: No you don’t, you’re fat … eat the fat!
Fat Kid: I don’t like fat … I don’t know how to eat myself!
Bully: Give me your lunch money or you’ll have to eat a bowl of fresh turd for breakfast every morning!
The poor fat kid was reduced to tears more quickly than a taser blast to the testicles.
A couple of quick phone calls to Langley and hey presto “Turd of Mouth!”
Turd of Mouth will replace water-boarding as the number one interrogation technique for terrorists who tell boys to go and blow up innocent people while they sit in their tent laughing at CNN like cowards.
Talk or you’ll eat a fresh bowl of turd every morning for the rest of your life!
The less you talk the worse the turd!
In preparation for the latter statement, prison guards have been put on a strict diet of Tacos, stout and dried fruit!