So many toys are utterly shit.
So what’s in the shops this year for little Johnny and his sister? Having sifted through acres of plastic toot we’ve found which we think constitute this years must-have items for little boys and girls.
For the Boys:
Watch out for mum’s carpet because this little baby will generate temperatures three times hotter than the centre of the Sun as it blasts particles into each other at the speed of light in search of the elusive ‘God Particle’.
Hours of endless fun guaranteed (ages 8 and up).
Also from the ‘My First’ range, sieze the opportunity to terrorise your neighbourhood guilt-free as the war machine with a mind of its own takes control of suburban airspace.
Experience first-hand what it must be like to live on the Afghan-Pakistan border, staring fearfully at the sky as this bunker-busting cyborg plane picks its targets randomly.* (ages 8 and up)
*Ordinance not included
Forget Father-Figures, why not try a Father ‘Action’ Figure?
Is your dad a dick? Perhaps he left your mom for a younger model? What an asshole!
Don’t worry little child, Dad Doll is far better than he ever was.
Dad doll will sit motionless for hours as you show off your football skills in the back yard.
He’ll pick you up from school in a taxi! How cool is that?
Dad doll doesn’t fart, he’s always around and he’s a great listener.
What about mum? Well, he’s there for her too. Dad doll will watch a weepy chick-flick with her and even cry real tears at the end (water bottle supplied).
And he’ll cuddle her in bed without snoring. Dad Doll (ages 4 and up)
For the Girls
It’s the fun board game all about learning to be a sassy gal about town who makes her men walk to heel!
Learn how to flirt tactically, tell the men who love you that they’re ‘nice guys’ but not someone you want to sleep with, and how to get a job using nothing more than a low cut top.
In today’s world of dysfunctional families and poor role-models, Man-ipulate is there to ensure young girls have the skills they need to wrap men around their fingers and ultimately get exactly what they want whilst still keeping the upper hand by guilt-tripping the shit out of their spouse.
Available in: Slapper, Alpha-Woman and Power-Cougar editions (ages 11 and up)
Our final offering from the ‘My First’ range, this strikingly authentic doll cries, begs for food and requires a series of inoculations before you can take it outside.
Follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina by shopping for a human being in the wilds of darkest Africa, oblivious to the thousands of homeless babies and children in your own country who have been conveniently sidelined by high-profile ‘accessory’ children.
You can bring up your African baby, guilt-free and oblivious to the needs of its family back home who are still stuck in horrendous poverty, what a privilage.
It comes with an African name but you are invited to replace this with a more palatable western title like Mike or Jane so that it can fit in better with all your other dolls.
Better hurry though as there’s a two-year waiting list and a shit-load of paper work to get one of these!