The Haddock’s Complete Coverage of Eurovision 2012

There really is nothing better than the Eurovision Song Contest. Horrible singers singing horrible songs, all with the wonderfully jingoistic play-by-play of Graham Norton. Did you know that Graham Norton once ate a whole pie and thought himself a naughty boy for doing so?

Now let’s hear some music!

“Welcome to three hours in which you could've been doing literally anything else...”

 

Azerbaijan – Did you know it was a country? We did, of course, because we’re top-notch journalists, and also because saw last year’s Eurovision Song Contest. The country spent its entire Eurovision budget on fire, sparklers, and a plethora of other pyrotechnics, and was nice enough to buy enough to make their use mandatory for every nation in attendance.

The gymnastics budget ran out midway, leading to the performers being air-lifted out of the number.

The gymnastics budget ran out midway, leading to the performers being air-lifted out of the number.

Last Year’s Song – …was actually written by a Croatian. This is unconfirmed, but we’ve got our sources. Also, American D-list celebrity Aubrey O’Day as the female in the duet was an unexpected delight.

“YOU won't be voting for me!”

“YOU won’t be voting for me!”

United Kingdom – It’s fantastic how much Engelbert looks like Johnny Cash, and how little he sounds like him. It is unclear whether or not he knows there are people dancing behind him; this may be intentional, or they may not have not mentioned it to him during rehearsal.

Who DIDN'T think that enlarged microscope images of neon virus cells was a good idea?

Who DIDN’T think that enlarged microscope images of neon virus cells was a good idea?

Hungary – The electric eels that are seen in Compact Disco’s stage design were flown in directly from the Hungarian Natural History Museum and Aquacultural Exchange. Hungary’s entry is like a track that wants so desperately to hang out with the cool kids at the dubstep table, but just doesn’t quite fit in.

Albania – Did you know that Ms. Rona has a special tap built into her headpiece? During rehearsals, she used it to store soup. Also, she is the Diva from The 5th Element, painted fleshtone.

"...and what's the deal with airline blindfolds?”

“…and what’s the deal with airline blindfolds?”

Lithuania – If love is indeed blind, it is unlikely to be because it’s vision is being blocked by a Steven Tyler rhinestone and sequence accent scarf. The people in silhouette dancing behind Donny are actually members of the catering staff on their lunch/disco break.

When not performing, she uses the shoulders of the dress to hunt wild boar.

When not performing, she uses the shoulders of the dress to hunt wild boar.

Bosnia & Herzegovina – Did you know that Maya was also in the film Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage? Her hair was it’s natural color, but the outfit was exactly the same. A truly unfortunate instance towards the end of the number, in that no one gave the technical director notice that Maya is allergic to wind machines.

“Second place?! Cram a biscuit up your arse, Europe!”

“Second place?! Cram a biscuit up your arse, Europe!”

Russia – You know it truly is a party for everybody when even the oven gets choreography. Much to the dismay of Azerbaijan, the ladies did not bake enough plastic biscuits for the entire country.

Today's forecast: cloudy with a chance of power ballads.

Today’s forecast: cloudy with a chance of power ballads.

Iceland – Did you know that Icelandic songwriters are forbidden to pen lyrics about anything besides human emotions and the weather?

Ironically, that table is comprised completely of books on how to build tables.

Ironically, that table is comprised completely of books on how to build tables.

Cyprus – We didn’t know that Miley Cyprus had declared independence, but upon hearing this catchy pop tune, it’s not that surprising a revelation. Did you know that the back-up dancers in this number are sporting traditional regional deserts on their heads?

That's right, they both just Brooklyn rocked into those too.

That’s right, they both just Brooklyn rocked into those too.

FranceTia Carere‘s singing voice is as spot on today as it was in Wayne’s World. Also, The Haddock would like to reaffirm our open support for break dancing’s induction as an officially sanctioned event in Olympic gymnastics.

“Did I clean the dishes like I promised” Sheeeet...”

“Did I clean the dishes like I promised? Sheeeet…”

Italy – Did you know that the back-up singer with dreadlocks was everyone’s roommate in college?

The Passion of the Estonian.

The Passion of the Estonian.

Estonia – The sheer force of Ott’s voice knocked the camera boom-arm a good 50-feet backwards. It’s obvious that his ability to practice in the wide open fields of his family farm has given him remarkable projection.

The riveting portion of the performance where the backup dancers guess Tooji's penis size.

The riveting portion of the performance where the backup dancers guess Tooji’s penis size.

Norway – It was a real treat for the cast of “Step It Up 7: Streets of Norway” to perform. Did you know that Tooji played Zach Efron‘s character in the Bollywood version of High School Musical (or “Government-run Reform School Musical,” as it’s known in India)? If you listen to the song’s lyrics, the “Russian” Tooji refers to as “making him stronger” is in fact the alcoholic drink known as the White Russian. Tooji is a devoted fan if the Coen Brother’s classic “The Big Lebowski.”

“Daaaad, quit butting in on my song! You're ruining this for me!”

“Daaaad, quit butting in on my song! You’re ruining this for me!”

Azerbaijan – How do you know when you’re due to appear in Azerbaijani court? The judge issues a Sabina! *rimshot* Sabina’s dress is made from 100% natural, ethically-obtained yeti fur. Did you know that the mysterious man on the floating table singing back-up during this number had been there for the entire show leading up to Azerbaijan’s performance?

Horton Hears a Mandinga was a best-seller in Romania.

Horton Hears a Mandinga was a best-seller in Romania.

Romania – It is certainly bold to call your band Mandinga (harkening back to the iconic 70’s film about African slaves on plantations in pre-abolition Romania). Did you know that Dr. Seuss design the band’s instruments? Wardrobe by the Navajo guy from the Black Eyed Peas.

“Dude get your feet off my mom's office furnature! They're gunna kill me when they get home from Jamaica!”

“Dude get your feet off my mom’s office furnature! They’re gunna kill me when they get home from Jamaica!”

Denmark – South American Fascist Generalissimo Josie and the People’s Liberation Pussycats are simply fantastic. Additional Haddock bonus points are added for the percussionist using his infant son’s My First Xylophone in this number.

The blonde singer in the back is a drunken Albanian performer who wandered onto the set accidentally.

The blonde singer in the back is a drunken Albanian performer who wandered onto the set accidentally.

Greece – No amount of aquatic theming can mask the fact that Greece has yet to master the art of Riverdancing. The giant oyster and pearl on loan (with security deposit) from the Atlantis vacation resort in the Bahamas.

“Stop! Loreen time!”

“Stop! Loreen time!”

Sweden – Did you know that Loreen’s choreographer worked with themes ranging from interpretive dance to Steven Segalian action pose to MC Hammer mid-90’s performance style?

Seamen have never been aboard a finer vessel.

Seamen have never been aboard a finer vessel.

Turkey – Baron Haddock’s mid-80’s gay biker outfit was recently stolen from Haddock HQ. We believe we’ve found the culprit. This would also explain the theft and usage of Greece’s oceanic theme (according to on Greek performer, “the giant oyster is all we had left!”). The original ending of this number had the White Whale crashing through the stage, but the Azerbaijani government would not grant the necessary permits. Also, cloth boat for the win.

We at The Haddock don't want to sound sexist, but she's really got a pair of nostrils a man could get lost in.

We at The Haddock don’t want to sound sexist, but she’s really got a pair of nostrils a man could get lost in.

Spain – The one request asked of Pastora by the Prime Minister of Spain was that she “sing loud enough so that we can hear it back home; that way we do not have to raise the volume on our televisions so late in the evening while mama is trying to soak her feet.”

“Are we on? Oh, suppose we should start playing...”

“Are we on? Oh, suppose we should start playing…”

Germany – Did you know that the set for this number was modeled after Korn’s “Freak on a Leash” music video? Also, though the song is called “Standing Still,” it seems like Roman’s body cannot make up its mind whether to actually do that, or to move awkwardly about a 1.5-meter stretch of stage – so it did both. Beanie cap on loan from the dreadlocked Italian back-up singer.

“I am tripping BAAAALLLLLSSS!!!!11!1”

“I am tripping BAAAALLLLLSSS!!!!11!1”

Malta – “Five, six, seven, and squash the bug, squash the bug and Daffy Duck, Daffy Duck!” -Malta’s choreography expert. Also, Malta’s DJ was said to have had his drink spiked with ecstasy before their performance. “It was me who spiked it,” he later admitted.

This isn't actually Eurovision footage, but rather Kaliopi's speech at last years TED confrence.

This isn’t actually Eurovision footage, but rather Kaliopi’s speech at last years TED confrence.

The Country Formerly Known as Prince The Yugoslav Republic of MacedoniaAngelica Huston shines brightest when singing in foreign languages. Kaliopi’s pantsuit comes from the Hillary Clinton Activewear collection, designed for hard diplomatic negotiations and even harder ROCKING!

Ireland – Did you know that Jedward prepare for Halloween four months in advance? This year they’re each going as Major Domo from the 80’s theme park attraction “Captain EO” starring Michael Jackson. Choreography by a 14-year-old Japanese schoolgirl after a dozen boxes of Pocky sticks.

“LaaAAAA-- the fuck you doin' back there?!”

“LaaAAAA– the fuck you doin’ back there?!”

Serbia – The song’s title is “Nije Ljubav Stvar” which translates to “Love is Not a Thing.” This is a much improved piece compared to Zeljko’s previous Eurovision entries “The Hannukah Bush is Not a Thing,” “Toast is Not a Thing,” and “Capital Gains Taxes Are a Thing (But Shouldn’t Be).” Did you know that the violinists had no choreography, but both began sleepwalking on stage and just went with it?

The Mostly Red Plus One Green Man Group is not quite as popular as their blue cousins.

The Mostly Red Plus One Green Man Group is not quite as popular as their blue cousins.

 Ukraine – Did you know that Gaitana’s lucky shower-cap gives her the confidence she needs to perform on camera? Video wall graphics courtesy of 1997’s Police Trainer arcade game. In this number, one of the cool kids from the dubstep lunch table stops by the party for a minute, only to drink one beer and steal the hotties.

“You talkin' smack about my pants, Haddock? Put 'em up, put 'em uuppp!”

“You talkin’ smack about my pants, Haddock? Put ’em up, put ’em uuppp!”

Moldova – Pasha had to rush over from his job fixing airplanes in Raiders of the Lost Ark and didn’t have time to change pants. The song may be about his love trumpet, but the pronunciation sounded more to us like “this schwab it makes you my girl.” The Schwab that makes us your boy is of course Charles Schwab, and their fine team of investment advisers.

“Goodbye cruel world!”

“Goodbye cruel world!”

The Interval Act – Did you know that the entire Azerbaijani Chamber Orchestra can get the D? Also, why does Azerbaijan have cooler instruments than we do? We’re rich! Did you know that some voters demanded their votes back when confusing this song with Azerbaijan’s actual submissions? Several back-up dancers jumped to their death during this number.

The Results – This happened…

Yep.

Yep.

And the Winner Is…Sweden!

Leftover choreography/Steven Segal ultimate punch.

Leftover choreography/Steven Segal ultimate punch.

   Though in the heart of The Haddock, the winner will always be…

 

See you next year, Eurotrash!