The Jonas Brothers resurface at Guatemalan cockfight

Nick Jonas, his two brothers, and their magnificent cocks.

Nick Jonas, his two brothers, and their magnificent cocks.

“We miss you Nick, Skinny One, and Vaguely Icelandic Guy Jonas!! We miss you SO MUCH!! Please return to our lives and rescue us from your cruel usurpers!” This is not an actual desperate plea from a Jonas Brothers fansite message board, but Nick Jonas and his brothers really wish it were.

Earlier today, the three were arrested on petty theft charges, stemming from a scuffle that occurred within the Quitothul district of Guatemala City, Guatemala. The neighborhood is Guatemala’s most notorious cockfighting hub. “The place they send bad children who don’t brush their teeth and tell Jesus that he’s beautiful,” as one father phrased it while I was growing up.

According to the lanky one who is not Nick Jonas, the altercation was the result of an argument over shoes. “His were nicer than mine and I wanted them,” claimed the twiggy lad.

Once riding high on the pop charts, the Jonas Brothers’ hope for a long and prosperous recording career was dashed the day that Justin Bieber was paraded before the Council of Elders and baptized in lambs blood into the Sacred Order of Teen Idols.

“It’s not just Bieber,” utters the two tickets to paradise known as Nick Jonas’ lips. “It’s him, One Direction, those assholes from High School Musical…hell we even hate those dudes from S Club 7.”

Fear not though; the boys were released from Guatemalan jail later in the evening, and claim to soon have enough money to buy a new fighting bird, which will earn them the money for bus fare home. I for one would be quite happy to supply enough gamecock to cover all three of them. Even the Vaguely Icelandic Guy one.

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