The Lawn Identity

Police in Cumbria are appealing to the public to help them identify a patch of grass found wandering naked across a beach last night.

The piece of lawn claims to have been picked up by fishermen after they found him floating in the north sea, riddled with fork holes.

He parted company with the fishermen after they began to abuse his kindness and make inappropriate advances towards him.

He then disarmed and disembowelled all of them without realising what he had done before piloting the ship to shore and escaping.

On arriving at the Cumbrian coast he entered a bank and withdrew four bags of fertilizer and a sprinkler system from a post office account in the name of Jason Lawn.

The manager of the Post office branch became suspicious and contacted his local branch of Homebase who ordered him to detain the patch of sod for as long as possible.

It turns out that Jason Lawn was a super grass for B&Q having given away secrets about a shipment of human hair seed trays, faulty garden hoses and a conspiracy to use real mummified immigrant children as garden ornaments.

When he realised the authorities were onto him Lawn went underground and befriended a family of sewer rats who helped him get his memory back.

Having been spotted loitering around a compost heap trying to pickup worms he was immediately arrested but escaped after an assassin, believed to be working for Homebase, tried to Mow him down with a silenced Flymo.

They nearly succeeded having fiendishly painted the customarily orange mower black to disguise it.

Eventually cornered on the beach Lawn Gave himself up and with him all the plans for operation flagstone, a black-ops project run by garden centres and nurseries to target celebrity gardeners and destroy their careers with fabricated sexual scandals.