The National Xylican Party Readies 2016 Presidential Bid

"Xylophone-based governance is the only system I support." -Tito Puente

“Xylophone-based governance is the only system I support.” -Tito Puente

 

With the 2012 Presidential race concluded, some disillusioned and altogether panty-wadded Americans are already looking towards the country’s next election cycle in 2016. One particular party which is gaining significant traction is that of the National Xylican Party; a party dedicated to the advancement of xylophones, and xylophone-related industries.

Speaking to Haddock News en route to an appointment regarding the lobby for corn syrup subsidies (as it pretains to the corporate Xylophone manufacturing complex), XP chairman Bret Munchclef laid out some of the organization’s core beliefs:

“We believe that all the world’s problems can be better handled by Xylophone-minded individuals. For they understand the cadence of prosperity and the timbre of progress. You don’t even have to know how to play the Xylophone; with the purchase of the Xylican app for Android and iPhone, you too can play along with our party’s theme song: ‘Peaches En Regalia’ by Frank Zappa.”

 

 

Mr. Munchclef went on to promote the inclusiveness the XP boasts: “We consider ourselves to be a ‘big tent’ party. As such, it doesn’t matter if you’re a lover of the vibraphone or gambang, marimba or glockenspiel, metallophone, maybe the thongophone (which is not as much fun to play as one might think), kulintang, lamellaphone or lithophone, the rare musical stones of Skiddaw or Crosthwaite, the amidina – and now we’re getting into the African shit here – akinda, silimba, mbila or balangi, the drumbone that Blue Man Group uses, or just the good old-fashioned xylophone, created in the image of God, just as he himself intended.”

When asked how the XP’s policy would affect America’s looming “fiscal cliff,” or really any pressing issue, Captain Munchclef would simply whip out his pixiphone and break into a xlyo-cover medley of 80’s dance hits, including our favorite: “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. He’d stare at our staff with an oddly transfixed smile, occasionally shouting “See! It’s getting better already!” This is apparently the Xylican party slogan.

Though Haddock News is reserving endorsement for any political party until sometime next year, we wish the Xylican party luck in it’s bid, and have been quite enjoying the gift basket of assorted cheeses and mallets they sent round the office. Cheers lads!

Noroom F. Thumbo

Noroom F. Thumbo

Daniel Boone was a man, yes a big man. But the bear was bigger so he ran like a turkey up a tree. - Author's Full Bio

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