The Queen Says “British Women Must Diet!”

British Women are the Fattest in Europe

Pies Linked to Obesity

A report from the EU states that British women are the fattest in Europe, with nearly a quarter of UK females classed as obese.

The report prompted the prime minister to call for urgent action to address the situation. David Cameron himself has pledged to go on a tailored version of the Atkins Diet, where he will eat only quail’s eggs and pheasant with red wine of a superior vintage for the next six months. Critics state that this will not be a great departure from his usual eating habits.

His wife Samantha Cameron has called for compulsory membership of Weight Watchers for all UK citizens, and those not losing weight for three or more consecutive weeks to be forced to go live in Belgium.

Her Royal Highness the Queen also expressed great concern for her loyal subjects.  In a leaked version of the Queen’s Christmas Day speech, she shows great empathy with the nation. In it she begins by wishing everyone a happy Christmas and then saying ‘do you think one’s bottom looks big in this?’

Health Secretary Andrew Landsley said ‘We are absolutely gutted to get this news. It’s worse than coming last in the Eurovision Song Contest. We definitely expected the French to be much fatter than us, what with all them soft cheeses and frogs legs that they eat.’

Bernice Podger from the Society for Obese Women (SOW) said ‘This can’t be right. Spain should be higher up than us. Whenever we go to Fred’s café in Benidorm and eat ‘traditional breakfast’ it’s always fried eggs and bacon, swimming in fat.

Lady GaGa has shown solidarity with her female fans by actively promoting and wearing baggy jumpers and tracky bottoms, in order to hide any extra pounds, although her designer outfits are made entirely out of Mars bars.

The report also states that all men across Europe are overweight, due to excessive drinking, eating of fatty foods and a misconception that watching Euro 2008 football matches on television counts as regular exercise.