The Secret Diary of Jeremy Clarkson Aged 13.75yrs (Day 2)

September 10th


The headmaster drives a Maxi, a car so far removed from logic and cool that it must have been designed by a strange sexless being with no driving license, which inhabits a windowless cave somewhere near The Earths core. It’s much like a dismembered lobster; it is slow, ugly and it rattles a lot! How this man expects us to obey him and be frightened when we’re sent to his office is a complete mystery to me. When he rolls into the car park in the morning it’s like watching Hitler arriving at Brandenburg Gate on a three legged donkey … with a cold … and a bad leg!

I’m starting to become obsessed by cars by the way, I have a feeling this may interfere with my chances of getting laid any time soon.

They have girls at the comprehensive, and I have appointed myself official reviewer of totty. This week we’ll test driving Veronica Scott, a sporty little number from Humberside. On the face of it, she’s about as approachable as a rabid lion, better looking than a E-Type Jag made from Marylin Monroe’s thighs, and keeps company with a group of crop-haired cyborgs. Seven blokes who share one golf-ball sized brain between them. Sadly I can’t comment on her interior, but she corners like a dream and the minute she saw me coming she outmaneuvered me somewhere near the library and I haven’t seen her since. A must have machine … she’s on to-get turned down by list.

Goodnight book!

Posted by on February 6, 2011. Filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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