The Secret Diary of Jeremy Clarkson Aged 13.75yrs (Day 3)

Book!

Today I discovered that what I thought was a talent is actually going to get me killed, I refer of course to my habit of insulting everybody. To say that Brian Cotter is the largest boy in the school is like saying Jupiter is ‘quite roomy’. Brian’s face is so broad that his ears brush against the windows on either side of the school bus when walking down the central corridor. He has fists that resemble freckled armchairs and he’s so tall that his optician as to use a stepladder. In the light of these things it may then have been a little remiss to call him a ‘pointless robot made of pork offcuts’ but at least that got a laugh from Veronica Scott thus animating her breasts.

What followed can only be described as capital punishment. Having deftly dodged his wild hay-maker I collided with an upper cut delivered with enough force to bend time and space which is, coincidentally, where the blow sent my brain.

I lie here now, defeated but alive with an eye socket resembling a baboon’s asshole covered in beetroot jam. My top lip looks like something designed to lure slugs to their death and my left elbow has less skin than the mayor of Lilliput!

Note to self: ‘Shut up you idiot!’

Goodnight book.