The Secret Diary of Jeremy Clarkson aged 13.75yrs (Day 1)

September 9th (New School)

Dear Diary

Well, being a book I suppose ‘Dear’ is a ludicrous thing to say so I won’t call you dear anymore. What can I say about my new school? Some say it’s got an Ofsted report that rivals that of Alcatraz. Some say there are boys there with biceps like rhinos who only came into existance to torment people like me in painful and inventive ways. Some say, the school dinners are edible only because they’re not made of pure cyanide … all I can say is, we simply know it as The Comprehensive!

On first impressions you might say it’s a concrete monstrosity and you’d be right, but wait till you see what it’s got under the roof. What you see here is a six thousand square foot, five bathroom, fully central heated, four story complex with a gym, dining hall and even a multi-denominational chapel. How many public schools can boast one of those? Not at this price Eaton!

Walking through it’s linoleum coated corridores I’m reminded of a sanitarium which is strange because, to my knowledge, I’ve never been in one although, like most people, I couldn’t rule it out. The windows are of toughened glass and the doors have those cylinder hinges which close them behind you, a fact that often leads to injury if fail to remember it. Ultimately, beauty has taken a back seat to budget and practicality with this model, but I’m here to learn, irritate teachers and perv at girls so the decor is about as unimportant as a snails resume.

Tonight I’m going to try shaving, not that there’s any need as my bum fluff isn’t thick enough to fill an amoeba’s pillow and you can’t see it through the spots…but the other boys have tried shaving so I must too if I’m to keep my dinner money and not get my head kicked in.

Until tomorrow… good night!