The Puke of Edinburgh

Buckingham Palace has released details of the 90thbirthday celebrations of the Duke of Edinburgh, held last weekend at numerous venues throughout the capital. The evening kicked off at Windsor Castle where HRH invited some of his closest friends over for a few beers and voddies prior to hitting the town. Duly merry, the party then proceeded, on foot, to the Bricklayer’s Arms just off Regents Street, singing raucous Polo chants as they made their way there. Once in the pub the Duke ordered ten pints of Carlsberg for each one of his friends followed by as many Jagermeister shots to serve as chasers. The process duly repeated four times the duke retired outside for a cigarette only to return five minutes later to find the rest of his party being escorted out by the landlord after the King of Norway, Harald V, was caught vomiting into a flower pot before attempting to head-butt a bouncer. After some procrastination the Duke finally persuaded his friends to head for the Teddy Bear night club near Hyde Park but here they were denied entry on the grounds that Prince Henri, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg, was wearing trainers. Undeterred, the group headed for the less discriminating Envy-Groove Lounge just off Leicester Square, where an 80s cheese nightwas in full swing. Arriving less than two minutes before the ‘two pounds for a double’ shot promotion ended the Duke hastily lined up twenty quadruple apple sours for the ten of them before he and his pals hooked up with a hen night comprised mostly of office workers from West Hampstead  and proceeded to dance raucously to Goldby Spandau Ballet before once again being asked to leave after Nicholas Romanov, pretender to the currently abolished throne of Russia, upset the girlfriend of a twenty stone rugby player by making lewd suggestions and narrowly avoided being glassed in the face with a broken beer bottle. After some debate the party then crowded into two taxis and made their way to an off licence which Carl Gustaf XVI, the King of Sweden, swore was open twenty-four hours, only to find it closed. Undeterred the Duke ordered the taxis to the Tesco Extra adjacent to The Houses of Parliament where they were able to pick up a bottle of Gordon’s Gin, a three litre bottle of Strongbow, a twenty-four pack of Carling and sixty Lambert and Butlers before heading back to Buckingham Palace and attempting to obtain a free download for the notorious Paris Hilton sex tape on the Internet. The following day a pale and shaking Prince Phillip was seen wearing dark sunglasses to observe the changing of the Guard in his Honour at the Tower of London and occasionally popping behind a bush in order to be sick into a bucket and sip from a glass of water containing two alka-seltzer.