An independent survey has shown that people become more stupid as the weather gets colder. Initially the effects are hard to notice, just doing dopey things like filling their pockets with clothes pegs or writing cheques with soap … but as the snow begins to fall their idiocy can become potentially dangerous. One man in Slough became so incensed with the fact that winter was driving him insane that he threw his fridge out of a third floor window and then drove it to his local church demanding that the priest excommunicated it immediately. Police are investigating reports that a cold snap in the Scilly Islands has led to several pubs accidental serving radios instead of pies for lunch. You have been warned.