“Throw Celebrities to the Sharks!” to premiere on ABC

Times are tough for network television; advertising dollars are dwindling, viewership is at an all-time low, and cyborgs have taken over the late-night chat show syndicate. Such setbacks have made belts tight at all of the major networks. But ABC has the greatest solution by far!

Throw Celebrities to the Sharks!

“Essentially, we’ve combined ‘Shark Tank’ and our latest hit show ‘Splash’ into one,” explains a network spokesface. “It’s a fresh, completely new concept, and from a business standpoint, it makes good horse-sense. Also, did I mention that ‘Goodbye Horses‘ is my favorite song? I don’t do the Buffalo Bill dance when I listen to it though. I’m going to stop talking.”

The new program is structured as such:

Each week, six millionaire investors will be paired with a person who has been generously dubbed a “celebrity.” The millionaire “sharks” will decide upon how much their celebrity’s life is worth. That figure will be presented to the public, who will be encouraged to crowdfund an amount of money that surpasses the shark’s figure. Whichever celebrities’ funds are successfully matched get thrown into a pool of live sharks for the entertainment of the masses, and the money goes to the charity of their choice. If the celebrities are not successfully funded, their respective millionaires are thrown to the sharks, and their money goes to fund a blood diamond mining operation in Burundi. A yet-to-be-named teen actor from a 90’s sitcom will host.

“It serves so many purposes,” says another ABC spokesface (this one with even whiter teeth than the last). “It will keep the network solvent, give hundreds of thousands to charity, and will also keep the San Diego Aquarium sharks fed for years to come.”

He concludes: “We pride ourselves on humanitarianism. And active eugenics.”

Anticipation for the program is simmering, but most people are just glad that it’s not another sickening comedy or medical drama. Why does no one take our competitive vomiting competition suggestion seriously at ABC?

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

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