Top Scientist: ‘Death Cures all Diseases!’

Grim reaperYes, as scientists have long suspected death is the universal cure for all ailments!

No matter how exotic your condition, death will put an end to it!

Even cancer cannot survive death…it has needs too!

Doctors and researchers all over the world are very excited about this idea, but admit that there are certain barriers that need to be overcome before death can be made available over the counter in chemists.

Part of the problem is that, in many cases, death is fatal and ethically (and practically) this is too high a price to pay to be cured of a disease.

But others disagree…many doctors take the view that if we could work out what part of death kills illnesses, perhaps we could make that bit into into a pill!

Theoretically this is possible…so is fucking a spider but not if you want it to make you breakfast in the morning though!

I know what you’re thinking…why haven’t we known about this all along?

Well it turns out that pharmaceutical companies are not keen on death as it tends to lose them money, nor are they huge fans of resurrection for the same reason.

It is widely suspected that resurrection, discovered in 1978 by Brian Pillington of Fife, was not made available on the national health due to pressure from multinational companies.

So, for now we’ll all just have to feel like shit and eat horrible pills and death will still be the same pain-in-the-ass it has always been!

Dr Johannesburg Swivel Posted by on April 13, 2014. Filed under Haddock Science, Haddock World, Repost. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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