Toronto can’t keep a good Crackhead down

This guy!
This guy!

Did you know that people in Canada enjoy doing drugs? Yes, aside from dog sledding and building log cabins, the great white north is becoming much whiter due to it’s emerging interest in crack cocaine.

Now to be clear, not everyone in Canada is smoking crack. However, if you do smoke crack, there’s a 38% likelihood that you’re the major of the country’s most populous city.

“I appreciate crack cocaine; when I smoke it, I turn into Roger Rabbit. I really don’t see a problem here.” This is the official statement issued by Rob Ford, the 44-year-old mayor of Toronto who parties like a pasty-white Rick James. This is confirmed by the fact that, when approached with crack, his immediate response is always “give it to me baby!”

Give it to me baaay-baayyy!

Despite the fact that everyone seems to know that Mr. Ford is stringing out on the pookie, he has not let it deter his commitment for serving the community: “I take the Marion Barry approach to public service: empower your constituents, strengthen infrastructure…ride the white pony, not just because you’re smoking crack, but also because you’re doing good. The white knight, coke, knight.”

Indeed, Mr. Ford has an autographed picture of Barry on his office desk.

Even as numerous staffers and aides leave the Ford camp, the mayor is eager to begin campaigning for reelection. He is already accepting campaign donations through his official website, where he promises that the money will be used solely “in the pursuit of retaining public office, and continuing to smoke my face away while jabber-jawing about political rivals, minorities in football, and woolly mammoths.”

BREAKING NEWS: Haddock News officially endorses Rob Ford for Toronto Mayor in 2014!

Ultimately, it will be the people of Toronto that decide what is best for their city. Will they choose a new-comer? Someone who has not stood the test of time and has yet to effective lead? Or will the go with what has always worked: a man who has never had to sell his television for crack money, but very well might have. The choice is yours, Canada. UNITY!

For more on this story, click here. For rap on this story, watch this:

Bernard Floater

Bernard Floater

Keep it brief...my prostate is weeping! - Author Bio

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