Torres-etts!

The massive price-tag attached to football star Fernando Torres and his subsequent transfer from Liverpool to Chelsea caused more people to swear this week than at any other time in the last year. Statistics released by The Wirral Expletive Bureau today suggest that close to five million people in the area uttered a recognisable swear word or string of them within an hour of the story breaking. National figures indicate that one in five of us partook in this orgy of mass invective which turned the air blue for a good ten minutes. Satellite data from the Scientific Hubris and Insults Team said that specific words spiked at around 7am on the morning of the announcement. One particular word that we are not allowed to print, suffice to say that it rhymes with hunt, was uttered so loudly by so many people that it interfeared with local air traffic, forcing two planes to land in Northern Ireland. Although these figures are astonishing in themselves they are believed to have been dwarfed by the Tsunami of expletives which accompanied news of John Terry’s soiree with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend. William Hill are already laying predictions about the swearnami before, during and after the 2012 Olympics. A collective sigh which may actually raise sea levels by pushing down the UK landmass is expected at some point during this years Wimbledon fortnight.