Tulisa Contostavlos showers completely NAKED; thankfully does not sing there

This image is, of course, completely photoshopped; in the original, Tulisa isn't wearing a shirt.

This image is, of course, completely photoshopped; in the original, Tulisa isn’t wearing a shirt.

After months of in-depth and completely legal investigation, journalists at The Haddock Cultural Society can now confirm the long-standing rumor that has had the UK buzzing for years: pop star Tulisa Contostavlos does in fact shower. And when she does it, she does it 100% NAKED!

That’s right! This article is about Tulisa! Nude! Tits, ass, vagina and even teeth, all completely unencumbered. Free of the restraints placed upon them by society, the media and spandex. She’s in there, water is flowing, and she’s naked as the dancers at Sheeba’s Slap ‘n Tickle off the A20.

“We always suspected that she did it, since she doesn’t ever really smell bad or anything,” claims a source who works closely with the singer on the set of The X Factor.

Is this information not entirely shocking? Perhaps. But what if I told you that while Tulisa is cleansing every inch of her near-perfect nakedness, she does not sing at all!

A second source close to Ms. Contostavlos confirms this to be true: “It seems to be the one place where she doesn’t feel compelled to utilize her world-famous face-hole. Indeed, as far as I can tell, the shower is the only time that nothing goes in or comes out of her mouth. Trust me; I’ve showered with her several times. Nothing doing.”

Tulisa could not be contacted directly for comment, but her publicist assures Haddock News that “the leak of these very private details about Ms. Contostavlos’ personal hygiene comes as a complete surprise, and are in no way a cheap attempt to bandage the flesh wound of a performance she gave on The X Factor to promote her new album ‘The Female Boss,’ which is going to be a super huge success.”