UK Pop Stars discover battle rap

arthurworthlessJames Arthur: Serious Rapper, mate.

England is a place known for many things: Buckingham palace, pasty, television, and greyness are just a few. But to thousands of hip-hop loving basement-dwellers, it is also known for its long history of high-quality battle rap circuits, the largest and longest-running organization being Don’t Flop.

Recently, a rapper from the Don’t Flop league named Micky Worthless launched a few jabs at the X-Factor-winning recording artist James Arthur. While Worthless has relative notoriety amongst battle rap fans for being a world-class couch surfer and smoker of bellybutton lint, James Arthur has (or possibly now ‘had’) a successful music career going for him.

This is why no human being in the UK could fathom why Arthur would decide to engage Micky Worthless via Twitter to the point of full-on beefing, culminating with an insanely horrible diss rap which sports more homosexual slurs than actual rhymes.

Long story short, James Arthur punked himself terribly, and will probably end up moving into a dumpster not far from the one in which Micky Worthless currently resides. But in a brilliant turn of events, that is not where the story ends!

Jessie J says Bars Over Jokes!

Indeed, Arthur’s foray into the realm of battle rap has had a ripple effect within the UK pop music world. Within a few days of the Arthur/Worthless beef, the members of One Direction began watching rap battles. Apparently they’re big fans of rappers like Deffinition and Oshea, because they find funniness to be funny.

Pictured: A typical UK rap battle - Prepubescent child, man in suit, and a crowd of confused people.

Pictured: A typical UK rap battle – Prepubescent child, man in suit, and a crowd of confused people.

The new-found interest in competitive rhyming spread to singer Jessie J, who has apparently graduated to other more hard-hitting content like that of America’s Ultimate Rap League (URL). She is quoted as saying “I started off liking Don’t Flop, but then I saw Calicoe and I was hooked because gun bars get my panties wet.”

Arsonal da Rebel entertains Tulisa sextape proposition

Even at the top of the pop star food chain, diva extraordinaire Adele has weighed in, stating that Canada’s King of the Dot (KOTD) league is her favorite to watch because “the level of talent and diversity is unmatched, and I could use [league president] Organik as a toothpick, which would be convenient after a nice ham.”

As hilarious as this whole situation has been for longtime battle rap fans, so feel like the exposure to UK pop artists is getting out of hand. It is rumored that Sir Paul McCartney was sat in front of a computer to witness his first rap battle. Luckily it was a Jokerr Star battle, so he probably won’t be returning for seconds.

Still, many battle nerds worry that this rash of exposure will taint battle culture forever. We at The Haddock understand; getting a life is a seriously frightening proposition.

Bennet Vindushali

Bennet Vindushali

If you're reading this, I'm probably dancing in an American flag thong. Or, I'm reporting vital information in an American flag thong. - Author's Full Bio

More Posts