UK Teenagers Suffering from Early Onset Dimensia

Evidence “overwhelming” says expert!

Dr
Jenny Side a child psychologist from Oxford University conducted research on 300 teenagers aged between eleven and 18 outside a late opening convenience store. There, she monitored teenage brain activity using advanced technology. The apparatus is called an Iphone 4 application. By training the phone torch onto a teenager it will detect a thought of any substance entering a teenagers head. This requires a fully charged iphone as it could take some time before a thought enters the teenagers head. The app measures how many electrons, protons, and neutrons sending a thought signal before it is sent passes in one ear and out the other. This gadget is claimed by its makers to be state of the art and highly sensitive equipment, used for zoological research to register the brain patterns of three toed sloths and any signs of life in the middle of the Tundra.

Alarming statistics found evidence that this study does indeed prove at least 85% of our youngsters have the early onset of dementia.

58% forgot they owed money to their parents, but a ray of hope remains, as most claimed they could still remember pin numbers when credit cards were commandeered.

48% even after many demonstrations could not operate a dishwasher or washing machine, remember where toilet rolls were kept, and what coat hangers were for. Further research reveals 72% were unable to speak above a grunt or mumble. Boys, especially were spending more and more time in the privacy of their room masturbating, forgetting adequate tissue and just wiping it on the duvet. Girls were saving their underwear for no other purpose than to be left on the stairs ‘sunny-side up’, or in the bathroom sink, to marinate. Clothes, were often left drifting against the bedroom door, because to be asked by their parents to pick them up, fold them and put them inside drawers, would result in teenagers threatening to commit suicide.

Getting out of bed after 2pm in the afternoon, was commonplace, apparently associated with the impact of having to remain awake for the rest of the day. Around the age of 15 years, in some cases, the use of the legs diminish to such an extent, that they simply are left for unlimited periods to dangle over coffee tables and sofa arms. On the rare occasion when the feet make contact with the ground, under laboratory conditions, it is found that some small-shuffling motions were detected. The app is also able to measure initiative but is this feature is rarely needed. The ability to sit up straight has become a forgotten skill, making slumping over inanimate objects more usual, usually an X-Box or Iphone or a wheelie bin for hurried and clumsy sex.

Most parents may think their offspring is totally motionless and start looking for signs of machine gunning. Inertia, malaise, listlessness and galloping lethargy is common, and as  a suggestion to remedy this, parents have had their own, crude but effective ideas in order to encourage cognition, stimulation and sensory awareness. They purport that small amounts of explosive should be inserted into the anus of children who are without any movement and immobile for up to 6 hours. A rocket up the rectum would have the desired result and provide enough impetus to concentrate on anything more than drying nails, cleavage, and looking for other parts of their body to impale. Girls however, focus on watching Jeremy Clarkson and pouring over football results. One solitary word from the mouths of our youth of today, devoid of intelligent dialogue is, “Whatever!