Well fucking well, Your Majesty.
The United Kingdom did the moonwalk in the civil liberties department this past Tuesday, declaring a broad swath of sexual acts to be illegal for filming. Let’s rate them by how much I thoroughly enjoy them:
Spanking – Couldn’t care less about it personally, but if it’s what you’re into it’s a definite can do! Is there really anything less sexually exploitative than enjoying the round fatty sacks of blubber that surround the anal region being whacked upon with extraordinarily dominant force? For fuck sake, I spank myself from time to time!
Caning – You want me to hit you with a stick?! god damn it, you’ve made an interesting decision. And also god damn it, I’ll hit you like you want…Safely, because I ain’t bout that life even though I roll with Jefes that chew straws.
Aggressive whipping – Outlawing this I understand even less than caning, because there’s more rapid-fire physical action. How does that make me feel? SEXUALLY FUCKING STIMULATED. And that’s giving or receiving. Did cylons take over the UK?
Strangulation – “How many times have I been asked to do this!” That is a quote. You know who said it? Me, because chicks fucking love this, and the UK knows it. Trust me, the UK most absolutely definitely knows it.
Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of if consensual) – Can I take a god-sized magnifying glass and shine it upon the phrase “REGARDLESS OF IF CONSENSUAL”?
I find sexual attraction in things that would curl the toes of wicked magicians, but I really don’t hurt too many people substantially, much as I’d love to. If I’m not being hurt, and she, he, or they aren’t being hurt, NO ONE IS BEING HURT. No oppression needed!
Penetration by any object “associated with violence” – This is a string of words. I’ve read them, and I think I know what they mean…EXCEPT I WAS ATTACKED BY A BIKER GANG WIELDING LENGTHY RUBBER DILDOS IN MY EARLY 20’S!! Left turn huh! But are dildos now objects associated with violence? If a person breaks a spike out of an iron maiden and uses it as a lightning rod, has the danger level changed if it’s being viewed in a god damn internet video?!
Fisting – Are you joking?! How else could you get every finger on a hand in there?!
Facesitting – Well then, you’ve really done it England (and those other countries that make up the United Kingdom). So quickly you’ve forgotten that you spawned one of the greatest comedy troupes of all time called Monty Fucking Python and the Flying Holy Grail of Motherfucker There Will Never Be Better Comedy Than This.
You might recall that they have a song called “Sit On My Face.” You know what that one’s about? FACESITTING. You know what I can’t film under the crown of the Queen? FACESITTING!
Urolagnia (known as “water sports”) – Hey, I get it. The Golden Shower isn’t for everyone. It is for me, but it isn’t for everyone.
Female ejaculation – But this. But, fucking, this. How dare you, Parliament? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU? The wondrous watery liquid explosion of earthly delight known as the female ejaculation? You should feel self loathing down to your balls you tyrants! Female ejaculation is my job because I’m pimpin’ and I got the juice! This is a war on Physiology you sexless oligarchs!
Let me tell you a quick story:
When I was 23, I met a lady named Hilda who did literally everything on this list to me, and then I to her, and we kept on trading off. A common theme in that affair was her geysering me in the face with female ejaculate. We were both able-minded, relatively maliceless individuals, and as such, neither of us were harmed by any of these pleasurable acts. I was often soaked in female ejaculatory fluid. Then she fucked a waiter in the bathroom of a pizza shop that didn’t even work at that pizza shop.
Anyway, the point is No Victim No Crime, people who are both in power and only want to use their genitals to urinate. Great job forcing people with video cameras to not do things that they want to do just because you don’t approve their pleasuring techniques as boner-inducing and/or panty-drenching methods!
You see how much writing I’ve had to do because of your freedom-trampling decision?! You’re legitimately awful humans!
What the hell gets you horny? Chess??
For more on this sterilization, click here.