UK Universities justify high fees by offering Sex Guarantee

Universities guarantee sex

Universities guarantee sex

£9000 is a lot of money, but what price your education?

Well, considering the fact that it used to cost a lot less you’d expect something extra.

Many people go to university in order to forge a career, do lots of work, learn great things and make themselves attractive to future employees.

The rest of us went there do get laid and drink.

With prices so high there is much competition between universities, although they can still pick and choose who attends these rules are bound to be bent somewhat when you consider how much cash they can make from admitting the odd dunce.

It maybe that kids are ten times cleverer than they were twenty years ago, or it maybe that the exams are much easier than they used to be … either way there are a lot more university candidates than there used to be and that means that universities are set to clean up financially.

So, how do you attract students to your fine seat of learning if books, lectures and the odd field trip to Malta are all you have to offer?

The answer is to guarantee a shag to every student, if they so wish it.

For those students who don’t end up getting lucky during freshers week there will be special courses laid on free of charge allowing students to learn the skills required to get into someone elses pants.

Universities will operate their own dating agencies and speed dating evenings to make good on their promise.

And, after all that, if you still can’t get laid then they’ll set you up with a hooker!

The government’s mantra used to be: “Education Education Education” … but now it’s “Education Education Insemination!”

Unsurprisingly, in the light of this announcement, the number of mature students has taken something of an upturn in recent weeks.

A list of the best sex universities will be published in a later edition of The Haddock.