Nigel Farage has finally admitted why he didn’t put his own name forward in the Eastliegh by-election, it seems he had a higher purpose.
Farage, who is so right wing that he has a specially weighted jacket to prevent him spinning around in circles, appears to have seen an opportunity in becoming pontiff to sort Europe out once and for all.
His papal manifesto includes such measures as renaming Rome ‘Romford’, the banning of speaking English with an accent and ghettos for socialists.
When asked about the current issues facing the church. ie. child abuse, contraception, gay anything and being really fucking tedious he said that all bad people must wear condoms at all times to prevent them making any more bad people.
The fact that he is not a cardinal doesn’t seem to bother him in the least as this actually makes people more likely to trust him as he probably hasn’t covered up the behavior of child-molesting priests by asking them to move house.
UKIP, who famously shout a lot and have cleverly re-branded xenophobia as ‘choice’ are said to be excited by Mr Farage’s plan and will support him right up to the point at which it looks like he’ll fail utterly at which point they will put a positive spin on it and go to the pub.
“We’re hoping to beat the 3rd place we won at Eastliegh!” suggested a source close to the UKIP leadership!