Unemployed to be renamed ‘Welfare Analysts’

Everyone Has a Job!

Victory for the government today after the announcement that the UK now has 100% unemployment. Everyone in the country now has a job, if not a salary.

As of today the unemployed can put ‘Welfare Analyst’ in the ‘What is your Job?’ box on forms. Even if you’re an alcoholic wandering the streets with a huge ginger beard and a stolen cat hanging off your penis, you’re now part of the workforce.

The brainwave, thought to have been the work of the elusive 1664 committee who live in the basement of Conservative Party Headquarters caining pints of Kronenburg whilst conjuring up half-cocked policies which ultimately cause more damage than good.

More and more welfare analysts are expected to be created in the coming weeks as the nation’s job centres face closure.

The ‘Jobs for nobs’ scheme, set up by the previous government to get idiots into work is also expected to be axed.

Seeing as there are so many of them, the welfare analysts will be given their own union and are not expected to work for more than 37.5 hours a week.