By now, most of the planet has heard of a man named Edward Snowden. We know, at first everyone thought that the man in question was Ed Snowden the famous Renaissance fair performer, but they are not one and the same.
This Edward Snowden is the man who leaked details of the US government’s all-encompassing spy operations, wire-tapping operations, cockfighting operations, and their unwarranted Operation by Milton-Bradley operations. That’s right folks, the NSA and FBI have been having unwarranted Operation tournaments for years, all on the taxpayer dime.
“How could you?!” shouted NSA director Keith Alexander into dozens of television news cameras, speaking directly to the American people. “How could you spy on us spying on you? We are the only ones who should be spying, because we’re the only ones who know what is right for you! We are the protectors! We are the parents! Suck our nipples! SUCK OUR NIPPLES!!!” The press conference came to a somewhat abrupt end.
When asked for comment on the scandal, President Obama simply sighed, shook his head and replied “add it to the list.” He went on to say that “citizens really don’t have a right to know what we do in government. We have big, nondescript buildings and secret meetings to ensure this. When private citizens spy on their own government, they make it very hard for us to get away with stealing their freedoms.”
On the side of the private citizen, many activists have come out in support of Snowden. “The man used to live in Hawaii making $200,000 a year,” says an unnamed supporter. “He gave up tan women in coconut bras and grass skirts, fruity umbrella drinks, steel drums and fire-knife dancing for a life of ramen noodles in a Hong Kong hotel room. For freedom. If I could give him a cross-continental blowjob, I certainly would.”
At the time of publication it was not clear if Snowden is accepting cross-continental blowjobs.