A hair replacement clinic in Utah has been fined ten million dollars for blatantly lying to its customers.
Tinky Pemberton from Cincinnati first became suspicious of their methods when he was instructed to stick his head into a large spinning machine which smelled of hot sugar.
It has emerged that the clinic has been dying the popular children’s snack with creosote giving it a pleasant chestnut hue.
“The results were truly amazing, and so fast,” recalls Brian. “I just popped in during my lunch hour because it was raining heavily (Bald people hate heavy rain because it feels like pixie slapping) and the next thing you know I’m striding towards the liquor store looking like Marge Simpson in cowboy boots.
However, the fairy-tale was to be short lived. Halfway to the liquor store Brian encountered a wasp’s nest at which point he was beset by randy wasps who humped his virgin bouffant into oblivion.
He and his naked head, peppered with wasp stings and the generous leavings of their insectoid lovemaking, burst into the store and proceeded to buy and drink a fifth of grain alcohol.
Traumatised by the experience Brian sought professional help from a wasp-rape councillor who adivsed him to sue every bastard he could think of as this is the accepted American method of easing personal embarrassment.
It is also a good way to make a living if you can’t be arsed to do a job.
The clinic is not expected to close as there is an inexhaustible supply of bald people in Utah, some who consider candyfloss a suitable replacement for oxygen about their cranium.
Brian, in the meantime, will resort to the tried and tested method of painting his head with wallpaper paste and sticking it in the cat basket.