Vatican fears History Channel’s “The Bible” may cause people to actually read The Bible

The book is a lot different than the movie.

The book is a lot different than the movie.

Despite reviews lambasting the ridiculousness of History Channel’s “comprehensive presentation” of The Bible (via a series cleverly entitled “The Bible”), the Pope Francis administration has opted to keep with the time-honored tradition of knee-jerk reacting, for the sole purpose of making their opinions known. It really seems like these people don’t care much about church and things.

The Papal inner circle, or “Team Frankie” as they’re known by no one, has expressed concerns over the television program’s content.

“People are never going to believe this horse hockey!” exclaims Bishop Anthony Scarpacciano of Senegal.* “The first time someone cracks a bible open to fact check this bullshit, the jig is up!”

When asked for to elaborate further, father Scarpaccio grabbed his suitcase, smiled wide and shouted “GOTTA GO!” before darting for the nearest window. He can fly.

The flying father’s fears are not entirely unfounded: family after family have been shocked to find that indeed, not all Jews are from England, the arch angels were not katana-wielding super ninjas, and quite likely, Jesus was actually two shades darker than Scatman Crothers.

Some have criticized the program’s striking amount of gratuitous sex and violence, but let us also not forget the ubiquitous quotation of the scholar Wil Gafney:

“The Bible is a wonderfully rich, complicated, challenging, illuminating, revelatory text. It is also horrifically violent and does not say what we want the way we want it to. You’re going to repeat that one day; remember to attribute it to the scholar Wil Gafney…please.”

There has been no word of apology from co-producers Mark Burnett and Roma Downey (mother of beloved Iron Man star Roma Downey, Jr.), nor any immediate concern over the growing confusion sweeping the impressionable saps who might be tempted to give this piety thing a go. Other viewers are merely wondering where the island is, and why none of the apostles have been voted off the program yet.

Noroom F. Thumbo

Noroom F. Thumbo

Daniel Boone was a man, yes a big man. But the bear was bigger so he ran like a turkey up a tree. - Author's Full Bio

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