Vatican to canonise a snail

Reports are coming in that Pope Benedict (the whatever) is going to canonise a snail. As unbelievable as it sounds, the source (Father S. Lug) we have inside the St Michelle Cathedral, Vatican City
tell us that one miracle has already been attributed to the snail and another is currently being investigated. According to the sources the first miracle, of making a field of cabbage completely disappear, in a rural village in Ireland in 1894, is well documented and must be true as the country was under English rule back then. They are now in the process of trying to prove if a second miracle can be confirmed as being performed by, as yet unnamed, snail. The sources tell us that whilst every effort is being made to confirm a second miracle, the church may not be able to make one up before the Pope canonises his predecessor Pope John Paul on the 1st March this year.