GROWLERSMOUTH , MASSACHUSETTS (USA) – “The worst part about a full moon, for me, is the Testicular Lycanthropy.” Harlan Gregor laments his most unfortunate and currently incurable condition whilst staring into his cup of tea. Contracted at the Up With People High Fiver’s Fellowship for College Freshman, the 20-year-old man remembers vividly the events that led him to contract the rare communicable disease Testicular Lycanthropy (known as TL, or “Wereballs”) that would come to change his life forever.
“I woke up in a ditch about fifty yards from the cabin,” recalls Mr. Gregor. “It wasn’t until about one month later, on a date with my fiance that I felt a pulsing sensation in the abdomen, followed by an overwhelming urge to tear my jeans off. The area that I would come to know as the ‘perineum’ began sprouting a thick, canine-like mane, that would eventually engulf the entirety of my scrotal region.”
The transformation, which took place over the course of a minute and a half, sent Mr. Gregor’s now ex-fiance running in hysterics into the woods, where she would remain for the following three days until being rescued by a locally-appointed search party. When approached for further comment, she emphatically declined, and insisted that her name not be used in either this article or any ensuing investigation by law enforcement (Karen Fischer of Hickoryditch, Missouri). The condition went on to cause in Mr. Gregor an intense desire to bathe his testicles with his own mouth and tongue, the attempt of which resulted in a brief hospitalization for two minorly fractured ribs and a moderately severe case of whiplash, depending on the opinion of the attending medical professional on staff at the time.
Thinking the transformation was a negative reaction to the Rocky Mountain oysters he consumed earlier that evening, Harlan was dismayed to discover that he would continue to suffer this debilitating affliction every thirty days (coinciding with the full moon).
The initial discovery was over two years ago now. Mr. Granger, after a brief withdrawal from state university, has now become a leading voice in the Testicular Lycanthropy community known as the Wereballs Awareness Coalition. Such support groups are rare, but exist in a number of states throughout North America. They often offer therapy sessions, private counseling and something known as “coping yoga,” designed to strengthen and elongate neck and back muscles.
Though the condition is rarely discussed, cases of TL have been documented in college towns for the better part of 150 years. Despite the recurrence of these cases, the exact cause and origins of the disease continue to elude the staunchest of investigators. With treatment, suffers can maintain a relatively normal life while preparing for outbreaks and, for the other twenty-nine days of the year, enjoying a pubic region as bare and smooth as a newborn’s bottom.
For more information on Wereballs, consult your local library or traveling gypsy caravan.