Yes, it’s obviously a valid query: ‘where the fuck have we been?’ Were we in Antarctica sampling glacial fragments? Argentina, studying gluteal growth trends? Canada, contemplating a career in lumber exports, unsure whether or not we’d bring ourselves to relaunch this ridiculous website at all?
These are all completely plausible, entirely likely scenarios. And of course, this being The Haddock, we have no intention of revealing which, if any, actually occurred.
Come on people! We’ve been covering the female ejaculation census in Rio! When we became full up there, we shuffled off to Homs to lay face down in margaritas whilst Syrian military rockets soared past our targeted Western skulls! Were fucking journalists you sods!
We’d be glad to show you evidence (in the form of a hand-tattooed nipple) that we befriended the Inuits and joined the first team ever to fly over the North Pole in a balloon made from helium filled polar bear carcasses. Do you realize the type of coercion it took to get Steve the intern to even film such a thing?!
We took a chocolate Titanic to the bottom of the Marianas Trench and left it there. While you lot were at home playing Sudoku. We stayed in the balloon after Felix jumped out and waited ’til it popped before leaping into a lake just seconds before impact. WHILE YOU LOT WERE AT HOME PLAYING SUDOKU.
God dammit, we hope you people truly believe that we’ve been living the sort of lives that you merely dare to dream of. A world where the wank bank is just a second rate brothel, and adventure is little more than waking up in the morning to shrug off the yak you chatted up the night before.
But, none of that bollocks would hold a molecule of water whatsoever. We figure you’d already have figured as much.
Regardless, we are back with an entirely new layout which is sharp as an arrowhead, and will deliver our malarkey better than ever before. We’ve got brilliant new bullshit already populating our spiffy new site, which will both tickle your fancy and provoke none of your senses. Oh, you’d like some sensual provocation? Have a listen to our brand new micro-cast! It’s like a podcast, but shorter, and not at all worth listening to. We’ve got an entire season of that for you in addition to our numerous other shite offerings, so stick around for all the nonsense we’ve got in store!
Hopefully, a year or so from now, we’ll be able to start telling the truth about where we’ve been. It won’t be interesting then, as it is not now, but perhaps in a year you’ll like us enough to actually care to know. In the meantime, welcome to the new new Haddock News. Same as it ever was, just with more crap.
Love & Jock Itch,
The Editorial Team