A man in Derbyshire has been assaulted by an old woman brandishing a whippet’s penis! Apparently the pensioner who has yet to be named, turned on him completely unprovoked. According to the victim, Mr Terry Bogpaint, the woman lashed out as he tried to help her untangle her left breast from some low branches after it had been blown out of her blouse by a freak gust of wind. It is unclear as to why she was carrying a dogs member in her handbag. The fate of the dog is also unknown. This attack has been linked to a similar incident last month involving a postman who was knocked off his bike by a bag of cat lungs travelling at high speed. The old woman is still at large and seeing as neither Mr Bogpaint or the postman are in a fit mental state to give an accurate description of their assailant, the police are advising people to be suspicious of everybody they meet, particularly those with pendulous breasts and recently diceased pets.