Who took the M out of Manchester? Morrissey not being detained in Egypt!

Morrissey enjoys Baklava, even when his depression won't allow him to taste it

Morrissey enjoys Baklava, even when his depression won’t allow him to taste it

Why can’t he be found, found, found?!

“Where is he?” and “push off!” are the cries coming from Sloane Square every second Sunday during the town’s bi-weekly protest of the aging pop singer Morrissey’s mysterious disappearance. Despite self-circulated rumors of his failing health and the impending release of his concert film “(High School) Concert” (filmed at Hollywood High School in California, and yes, that’s a real thing), no sign has been seen of The Moz, I’m so very sickened to report.

Due to his failing health and obviously deteriorating state of mind, Morrissey has quite mistakenly began believing that he is fact “The Morzi” (Mohammad Morsi), the ousted Prime Minister of Egypt. As such, he believes he’s being detained in Cairo, when he is in fact just holed up in his posh Manchester flat eating nothing but Baklava.

“Some people have got no pride! They may just impale him for the rare pleasure of meaning,” moans a sobbing gladiola clutching Morrissey fan.† “I don’t mind if you forget me when you said it was probably his failing health. But I can assure you, it is his failing health, which is most definitely failing” he continued.

As Morrissey is an outspoken vegetarian, the worst thing that will happen to this animal is if someone turns on "Maladjusted"

As Morrissey is an outspoken vegetarian, the worst thing that will happen to this animal is if someone turns on “Maladjusted”

Morressey fans have been in a constant state of gloomy panic, muttering away via the 1991 BBS bulletin boards they continue to use as means of communications. Pleas such as “I’m so sorry,” “what now?,” and “have I failed?” speak volumes towards the fact that his fans feel like homeless Chihuahuas without the Moz in their tea kettles.

This doesn’t really explain Morrissey’s confusion, but it was really interesting seeing this side of so many nervous juveniles, most of whom are NOT Russell Brand. Siouxsie (of “and The Banshees” fame) was unavailable for comment, but her manager offered these words on her behalf: “If a double-decker bus, crashes into us, there’ll be a place in hell for me and my friends.” We can only assume that he meant to say “please die.”

Weeks have gone by without word from the Morrissey camp, but from his balcony can be heard the din of flute-y Nubian folk music. It is presumed he is crying in there, but really, what else is new? It wakes the neighbors.

Give it a rest! You’re 54!

…and your health is failing!*

The man has gushed for over a decade, and is happy going nowhere. If this is truly the end of his family line, then let it be soon.

It should be noted that Morrissey’s disappearance has had absolutely no bearing on the revolution in Egypt. I’m so sorry…I’m bored now.

† – Actually Russell Brand.

* – Or so you’ve claimed for the last 15 years as an excuse for everything from canceling tours to canceling dinner reservations

Noroom F. Thumbo

Noroom F. Thumbo

Daniel Boone was a man, yes a big man. But the bear was bigger so he ran like a turkey up a tree. - Author's Full Bio

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