Former professional wrestler Kamala has fallen on hard times as of the last 20 years. This is mainly due to the fact that he is a kind, well-meaning person, or as they are known in the wrestling world, “Vince McMahon Crudités.”
Kamala has wrestled some of the most well-known and highest-paid performers in the industry. And while those performers were all paid in US dollars, Kamala’s contract explicitly stated that he was to be compensated solely in Itzakadoozie ice pops. Never questioning this arrangement, he sadly developed diabetes following a year-long brain-freeze in the mid-90s.
The worst blow of all came recently for Kamala after the WWE’s legal team reviewed his original agreement stipulations. Due to a minor clause with confusing wording it was discovered that, in the case of chronic illness, Kamala’s legs would actually become the property of the WWE. As such, Vince McMahon stopped by the shanty in which Kamala resides to personally repossess said appendages.
“Look, he got the same deal as every other guy who didn’t bother to ask questions,” claims Mr. McMahon (while swinging Kamala’s severed legs around like a jolly schoolboy). “I always told him: ‘you can wrestle for my organization, give it your best and healthiest years, I’m not going to pay you anything besides ice pops, and if you don’t like it, you are more than welcome to leave at any time.’ If that isn’t a square deal to you, then you obviously know nothing about pro wrestling.”
McMahon plans on giving the legs to an undisclosed charity.
For more on this fantastic apathy, click here.