There are some things in life that we as humans may never truly know. Does the Pope ever defecate? Do George W. Bush and Tony Blair still have top-secret slumber parties? What exactly is a zebra? These are just a few of the mysterious elements that lead our minds towards fanciful conjecture and hypotheses. And though we may never know who put the “ram” in the “ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong,” one thing we do know without a shadow of doubt is this: Luenda Ormonk is the woman who puts the “ram” in the “vishni-hu-ram-al-ashni-bin-du-a-doha.”
Luenda is a yoga instructor, and as such, is made to emit a number of strange sounds which may or may not have any form of actual meaning. According to one attendee of Ms. Ormonk’s most recent classes (or “spiritual reconnectivity seminars”), hearing the oddly-joined syllables is a truly unique experience. “I have no idea what she was saying, but it sounds very heartfelt; almost to the point that the sounds don’t really need actual meaning. You can tell that she knows what she was saying, even if we don’t. Besides, I’m pretty sure yoga is a Greek thing, so they’d probably get it right away.”
“Bila amukhan verush kumini” whispers Luenda, holding a picture of Indira Gandhi to her chest while folding herself into a human pretzel. “This means something about light and balance. I’m going to say some more stuff now; trust my translations, even if actual Indian people do not.” She then proceeds to do a headstand whilst clutching rose petals with her toes. There is a bowl involved. I don’t care to elaborate on that point any further.
Regardless of the questionable nature of her chanted phrases, demand for Ms. Ormonk’s sessions is at an all-time high, as Westerners don’t really care about her craft’s authenticity. “Look, I’ve got a demanding job, two kids, and a husband that I never sleep with,” claims another one of Luenda’s regular students. “yoga is a nice way to leave that junk behind for an hour. We flex, we stretch, we speak in tongues and pretend to understand one another; it’s all in good fun. Not something I’d want to do all the time, but great for an hour. It’s like X-box for middle-aged white women.”
For more information on Luenda Ormonk’s services, visit Omasharamtiviahumsavilashtikravihamolashaviviavikulashashamaramashiavishti.com. Dates, chants and hypothetical translations subject to change.